Death - Through my eyes

Okay, here it is..
I tried to write something about this for a long time..
But could not get myself together to do it..
But today, after more than one year of loosing you, i think i can do it..
So, this one's for you and me..

DEATH-
As described in the words of a dictionary-
the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Compare brain death..

But to me,or as a matter of fact to many other human beings just like me, it means much more..
It means losing a person u loved, u cared for,in the sands of time, forever...
It means a part of an universe collapsing..
It means no matter how hard you try or how far you go, you wont be able to see the person again..
The pros and cons of death are debatable.. Neither i know much about it..
But what i know is the fact that it brings with it few feelings, few results..
Now you may possess different views but this is what i feel it brings with it..

1. Denial : Not being able to believe you actually lost the     

                 person forever..

                   You wont hear the familiar voice calling your name, the person who always

                   has been there wont be there any more.. You 

                    are in denial..You try to                            

                   believe that at the end of the day the person will come back home..

2. Anger/ Hatred : Hatred towards mankind.. Anger towards the laws of nature..

                                  Why do things have to be the way they are? Why do people have to 

                                   die?

3. Fear : Then comes fear.. Fear of living a life ahead without the person.. Fear of

                believing in yourself again..Fear of moving on..

4. Guilt : The guilt you feel when you think of how much you hurt the person time to time..

                 How much less you bothered to ask how life is going.. how much busy you have  

                been to care much less than you should have.. The guilt engulfs you..     

5. Acceptance : Gradually, eventually, slowly you start accepting the fact.. As days pass 

                             by everything becomes a distant memory.. Memories we would cherish 

                             our entire lives.. Life does not come to a halt.. It goes on.. Pretty much as  

                            the person we lost would have wanted.. We learn to accept it and we

                             move on.. The sooner the better..

I lived these stages.. I dealt with it myself.. 
I witnessed death before.. But never like the one i did a year ago..
As i stood there and saw you taking the last few breaths, i knew you were a fighter..
And you fought till the end..
And now when I think about you, i dont see the helpless dependent woman you became towards the end, i see the undefeated fighter who raised four kids all by herself and fought all battles alone..

I am sorry for not being there whenever you needed me, sorry for turning my back at times, sorry for yelling at you, sorry for not seeing you daily..
I dont know whats worst, the fact that i wont see you again or the fact that i did not care much when i could..
But till now when i look up to the sky, i know you are watching me..
Well, thanks for everything you gave me.. For spoiling me with all the love..
For being there always.. Physically or spiritually..

This one's for you Granny,
Know i love you.. And i miss you..

EPILOGUE

----* " Look around the house honey,
 its just the same as we planned... "

She turned around..
Saw the white walls, the white linen curtains, 
The soft bed, the white bed sheet on it..
The wall adjacent to the wall bearing the same picture 
of their wedding they both selected once,to be hung up on the wall..
It was all perfect..
Just one small thing was not..
These were her dreams undoubtedly,
But not his..
Not this man's who was standing next to her..
The man in the picture taken on their wedding day was not him..
It was Igor..

Igor's voice echoed in her head..
"I don't know if i will ever be able to trust you again..
You were my pride, my honour..
You took it all away once, you broke it all down..
I will not let you do it again.." *-----

20.04.2012

She sat up on the bed..
Alone..
Drenched in sweat.. Panting..
She looked around with the hope of seeing Igor awake in his study..
He was not there..
She stretched her arms out for Igor to climb in..
He did not..
Emptiness engrossed her..
Igor was gone..
And so were her piled up dreams.

She could never accept herself with Albert..
He was just a shadow of Igor..
She created him.. Bit by bit.. Cell by cell..
Albert was created to fill the void place in her heart and life which Igor created..
His hunger for success and his love for work created..
Albert filled it..
But never replaced him..
She was always too sure about whom she wanted to be with..
But she did not know how to end it..
Fearing she would destroy a world either way,
She delayed taking the decision..
Not knowing when she lost the man of her life..
Beside whom she stood, draped in that white dress,
Amid the mauve flowers, holding a bunch of white lilies,
those lines she said,
"I take you in husband 
to be with you always 
in wealth and in poverty 
in the disease and in health 
in happiness and in grief 
from this day until death separates us."

And said : " I DO"
She feared destroying one world by choosing,but now she had destroyed three..
Her's , Igor's and Albert's..
Albert always knew how to move on..
She did not..
Neither did Igor..
They were all stuck in the same game but in different levels..


She always knew the house she lived in,
All white in colour,
The yard in which their children would play,
The balcony where they made love in rain,
Belonged to Igor and she could never share their world with Albert..
It was all a dream,
Born of reality..
But when reality is better than dreams even though it causes pain at times
We can always create more of them..
Without the help of anyone substituting or replacing the reality..

10.05.2013

Igor came back to her..
'cause  he was too weak to let it go..
But could never trust her with his heart..
She knew it.. But pretended that she did'nt..
She regretted all that happened  every moment she looked in Igor's eyes,
Every moment she knew he suffered,
Every moment she remembered what she did,
But she believed,
Regrets should be there in life,
But only when you have good memories to cherish..
And she had countless..
Ever since she met Igor,  she had it all afresh in her mind to cherish all her life..
Their sorrows, their happiness, their fights, adventures, misadventures, life and love ..

They lived their life, the way they planned..
Albert was long gone..
Buried in the sands of time..
But he left a hole..
A Trust Shaped Hole in their Universe.....



  

Meanwhile In Neverland

I heard last day in Neverland,
You were riding the waves of eternity alone..
I heard last day in Neverland,
You reached far above and far away until you reached the Horizon...
I heard last day in Neverland,
You walked by the river shore,
You walked past the sands of time to fly more and more...

I never visited those shores,
I never got to fly more and more,
I never placed my eyes,
Beyond my mother's lore...
Next day you visit Neverland,
Take me beyond, take me along,
This is not the World where i belong....

Why just run,run all the way,
Speak with yourself,
alone everyday?
Live for yourself and live for none other?
And care for yourself and not another?
If Love is not there,
And the Void space, I fear,
Where can i find peace?
Can you tell me where?
I heard that you in Neverland,
Still can dream,
Still write stories,
And still can sing..
Death still makes you wonder,
Distance still makes your heart grow fonder...
Your Love blossoms like a rose,
That Love and Living are still so close..

Thus I come with this faithless soul to you,
Touch my robe, and make me new..
In my eyes, just emptiness lurks,
Give them dreams and return those sparks..
I want to dream, dream more and more,
Fly to Neverland,
And walk on those endless shores..
I seek help, 'cause I want to dream,

Row my boat back in time's flowing stream..