Death - Through my eyes

Okay, here it is..
I tried to write something about this for a long time..
But could not get myself together to do it..
But today, after more than one year of loosing you, i think i can do it..
So, this one's for you and me..

DEATH-
As described in the words of a dictionary-
the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Compare brain death..

But to me,or as a matter of fact to many other human beings just like me, it means much more..
It means losing a person u loved, u cared for,in the sands of time, forever...
It means a part of an universe collapsing..
It means no matter how hard you try or how far you go, you wont be able to see the person again..
The pros and cons of death are debatable.. Neither i know much about it..
But what i know is the fact that it brings with it few feelings, few results..
Now you may possess different views but this is what i feel it brings with it..

1. Denial : Not being able to believe you actually lost the     

                 person forever..

                   You wont hear the familiar voice calling your name, the person who always

                   has been there wont be there any more.. You 

                    are in denial..You try to                            

                   believe that at the end of the day the person will come back home..

2. Anger/ Hatred : Hatred towards mankind.. Anger towards the laws of nature..

                                  Why do things have to be the way they are? Why do people have to 

                                   die?

3. Fear : Then comes fear.. Fear of living a life ahead without the person.. Fear of

                believing in yourself again..Fear of moving on..

4. Guilt : The guilt you feel when you think of how much you hurt the person time to time..

                 How much less you bothered to ask how life is going.. how much busy you have  

                been to care much less than you should have.. The guilt engulfs you..     

5. Acceptance : Gradually, eventually, slowly you start accepting the fact.. As days pass 

                             by everything becomes a distant memory.. Memories we would cherish 

                             our entire lives.. Life does not come to a halt.. It goes on.. Pretty much as  

                            the person we lost would have wanted.. We learn to accept it and we

                             move on.. The sooner the better..

I lived these stages.. I dealt with it myself.. 
I witnessed death before.. But never like the one i did a year ago..
As i stood there and saw you taking the last few breaths, i knew you were a fighter..
And you fought till the end..
And now when I think about you, i dont see the helpless dependent woman you became towards the end, i see the undefeated fighter who raised four kids all by herself and fought all battles alone..

I am sorry for not being there whenever you needed me, sorry for turning my back at times, sorry for yelling at you, sorry for not seeing you daily..
I dont know whats worst, the fact that i wont see you again or the fact that i did not care much when i could..
But till now when i look up to the sky, i know you are watching me..
Well, thanks for everything you gave me.. For spoiling me with all the love..
For being there always.. Physically or spiritually..

This one's for you Granny,
Know i love you.. And i miss you..