Journey..

 What a strange journey,

 where do the ends lie?

What were we aiming for? 

Neither he understood; nor I.

Smoke rises from the lamp,

 along with the light

This dream I floated in, 

it has broken tonight.

Congrats to you my dear, 

on your charming loving find

On drawing so close to someone, 

that you left others behind

You will take your love and build a whole world a-new.

Whenever this evening comes I -- I will still think of you.

The city sleeps...

Under the dark night sky,the streets
dimly lit by the street lights,
the sinners do the sin,and the city sleeps..
when men transcend into savage beasts,
and forgets every sense of being a human,
the city sleeps..
when each night an innocent life falls prey
to the cannibal hunger of men,
and the desire of living dies,
the city sleeps..
where women are taught to protect
their dignity and pride,
where men are not taught to be tamed,
can ultimate freedom as such ever be attained??
with the shining and extravagant outlook,
and the claim to be the best,
and behind the veil the darkness prevails..
where do we stand today?
when the truth is being stabbed each moment
and evil lives and winks,
and yet the city sleeps..

Search me not....

Search me not when December ends..
Search me not when the lender does not lend..
Search me not beneath the tomb..
Search me instead in my mother's womb..

Search me not when the dreams die..
Search me not among all your lies..
Search me not when all colours fade..
Search me in the rainbows instead..

Search me in the most peaceful lore..
Search me when you can take no more..
Search me when you are driven ashore..
Search me deep within your core...

For now its time my love to say goodbye..
I promise neither one will cry..
This is the best for you and me..
This may make us what we wanted to be...

TO LOVE...

When you look back at time,
Do you ever wonder how life would have been if that one single life changing event did not happen??

When i do, I go back to that chilling december night..
29th it was.. Year 2010..
If I did not make that call,
Maybe I would still be wandering about..
unsure of what I would like to do with my life..
Going out with tons of guys, struggling to find the right one..
But maybe it was already decided..
Maybe when I now think about being single it seems so appealing.
but maybe that phone call actually did make my life..

But yes one thing, I never regret for one moment, what followed..
It has been great.. And it will continue to be..
happiness.
sadness.
fights.
breakups.
patch-ups.
cries.
heartbreaks.
heartaches.
sharing.
caring.
All of it and lots more..

Maybe life would have been different had I not made that call.
But it certainly would not have been any better than this..
Because I got the most precious gift of my life..
A jackass best friend whom I would not even consider dating if it was not for being impulsive..
Who was there all along,supporting me through it all, and we were busy laughing it off!!

So here's to my impulsiveness..
And here's to being loved and adored as a couple while thinking we could never pull this off..
(We did.. And we did great..)
And above all, here's to LOVE...

P.S : I LOVE YOU..

This one's for you and me..

Well, changing life and changing times often snatch away a lot from us..
But as they say, some people leave their footprints in our hearts..
When i see people blabbering on about best friends and bonds,
I sure feel bad an a wee bit jealous,
 but at the same time i know what happened perhaps happened for the best..
We grew up.. Well, you sure did..
New friends, new way of life..
We parted ways..
But one thing I can say, no one can replace you..
No one could and no one will..
I know you probably will not even read this..
Actually I don't want you to..
Because few things are best left unsaid..
So, summing it all up..
No matter where you are or how you are or with whom you are,
I would always wish for the best for you..
Be happy always..

P.S : I love you.. Always have and always will..

P.P.S : This is the only decent picture I have of us. The only picture for the matter..

To Monsieur..

Hey there monsieur,

Was it you the other day?

Was it you who passed by??

Was it you who believed in another try??

Monsieur, was it your scent??

Smelt so known.

Was it your breath??

Felt so own.

Did you pass me by?

Did you ask for another try??

Monsieur say bonjour to your mistress..

She ain’t the one you hide..

Say, she is beautiful with an envious pair of eyes..

Monsieur   do u remember the rain drenched night??

Do you still remember our last fight??

It is your mistress who gets your name.

As I always have been for you “the game”.

Monsieur, when you make love to her

Do you think of me??

When you look at her lustful eyes,

Tell me what you see.

When her nails dig deep into your skin,

When she moans in pain.

Do you remember my tender touch??

Do you remember me again??

Tell me monsieur, was it you the other  day??

Was it you who passed me by

On the thirteenth day of May??

Tell me for once as I say goodbye.

As I took an oath to stop believing your lies.

I bid adieu to all,

As it is my time to go.

As my monsieur is dead,

And buried deep within my soul....

What to do?

When your insecurity becomes your obsession,
when inferiority gradually overshadows sanity,
what is it that you should do?

When death seems to be the ultimate temptation,
when the lanes leading to heaven seduce and tempt you,
what is it that you should do?

When the fallen angels cry for their lives,
and unknown voices prophesise your homecoming,
what is it that you should do?

When you sit there idle not taking the last train home,
or perhaps you wait for the angels to come,
to kiss you and bless you with immortality,
take your life and grant your soul sanity,
what is it that you should do?

Should you bid adieu to such a cursed life?
or should you live on with your eternal fake disguise?
should you promise your man his beautiful children’s grace?
when your womb itself is no more a pristine place.
or should you escape when a night is starry,
and let your children grow in the womb of virgin Mary?

CAPE...

Get a cape, buy a cape, wear a cape..
Put your shield on, put your mask on,
to attempt an escape..

I cant see, I cant hold, but i feel you here..
Beneath the mask, beneath the shield,
beneath the cape you wear..

Is there peace? Is there home?
Are there feelings to cherish?
Or is it the same world, like this
Where you are left to perish?

Abandon the wishes, abandon the world
Find your way home back here,
Or take me away, or take the pain
Because this i cannot bear..

Or take a dagger and stab it through my heart,
And take me with you,
take me back to the start..

Take me to the home we own,
Take me to the beautiful lawn,
Take me there, away before dawn..

And I will leave this world behind,
I will lock it in a box 
And hide it in the mind.
Then I will get a cape, buy a cape and wear a cape.
Because holding your hand I will attempt an escape....

WINTER...

Winter..

It was yet another winter..

Winters made her lazy and happy..

She lay in bed, cuddled with her favourite pillow,

Snug into her favourite blanket, music, food, coffee, peace..

Yes she would love each day..

But this winter was unlike all others..

It was different..

Few things remained same while others, most, changed..

She sat there in her cozy bed scribbling random lines in her art pad..

She was searching..

Searching for her lost words..

Words, which deserted her and never came back as yet..

She wanted to write..

Needed to write..

Express herself at least to the art pad..

But no, all were gone..

She stared out of the window to the half-dark moon,

Which in more than one way sang the saga of her love..

They were almost identical..

Both were half hidden beneath darkness..

“Did you ever try so hard,

That your world fell apart,

Have you ever needed someone so bad? “

She hummed..

And she knew she did..

She needed him bad and even worse..

The desk in her room flaunted a picture of them back in their high school days..

She often searched for the old them within the lost time..

She searched her old self too..

Desperate to live that life again..

Which somehow got lost in the debris of her past..

But she was happy..

Happy because she no longer blamed herself..

Because they both knew by now it was not her..

Her winter was happy..

A different type of happy!!

Because she was guilt-free!!

From the diary of Marianne....


She stood there wrapped in a black

Smooth silk cloth which gently covered just the required parts.

She was glowing. Her beauty, her charm, her grace,

Nevertheless,

Outstanded the entire universe.

In the dark room lit by just

The bright stars,

Her eyes twinkled like one of them.

He sat there motionless.

Admiring the beauty of the young lady

He bought for the night.

He paid five grands to buy the lady.

“Not much” he thought to himself.

“ for such an unparallel treat for the eyes

Living on the planet.”

She smiled gently at him.

He got up and stretched his hand toward her.

She stretched her’s too.

Fair, perfectly shaped,

Long slender fingers, red nail paint.

He dragged her to the bed

Gently lay her down on the

Bed of roses.

She did nothing, said nothing.

Just lay there and looked

At the dark night sky

As he took off his coat and tie.

As he climbed on the bed

And lay beside her,

She turned towards him.

Then-all a game, a game of sweet seduction.

She drank his passion sip by sip

Once her’s above  and once below his lips.

He played along the game of lust,

Turning his commitments yet again to dust.

He turned her over climbed on top of her.

And got a view-so pristine, so clear.

He touched her in the most sensuous way,

Got along the game of sweet seduction as they play.

Her blood red nails dig deep into his skin.

In a trembling whisper she heard him say-

“you’re beautiful, lady you can be the con,

As you can,on your wish,turn the desire on.”

And then a tear rolled down his cheek,

And suddenly all the lust and desire seemed so bleak.

He rolled over and lay beside the beautiful bliss.

Then he said to her- “miss, I cannot do this.

I have my wife and two beautiful children back at home.

They are waiting for me,

Oh! they are so lone.

Their mother betrayed them but how can I?

So what if she slept in our bed with another guy?

For you lady, you are beautiful

In your own way.

Just this game of sweet seduction is not for me to play.

She smiled back at him and got up from bed.

Said- “honey! not every man in this world is like you,

They just want to get laid.

You got a sweet family, I never got mine.

I wonder what really, really was my crime.

I was a daughter, a sister, a mother once.

Time can be cruel u know?

Snatched away from me, snatched away all.

Keep your money, keep it with you.

Buy your children some toys

As like you I have met very few.”

With a gentle kiss on his forehead she left the room.

Leaving him to wonder what must have brought her doom......

Death - Through my eyes

Okay, here it is..
I tried to write something about this for a long time..
But could not get myself together to do it..
But today, after more than one year of loosing you, i think i can do it..
So, this one's for you and me..

DEATH-
As described in the words of a dictionary-
the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Compare brain death..

But to me,or as a matter of fact to many other human beings just like me, it means much more..
It means losing a person u loved, u cared for,in the sands of time, forever...
It means a part of an universe collapsing..
It means no matter how hard you try or how far you go, you wont be able to see the person again..
The pros and cons of death are debatable.. Neither i know much about it..
But what i know is the fact that it brings with it few feelings, few results..
Now you may possess different views but this is what i feel it brings with it..

1. Denial : Not being able to believe you actually lost the     

                 person forever..

                   You wont hear the familiar voice calling your name, the person who always

                   has been there wont be there any more.. You 

                    are in denial..You try to                            

                   believe that at the end of the day the person will come back home..

2. Anger/ Hatred : Hatred towards mankind.. Anger towards the laws of nature..

                                  Why do things have to be the way they are? Why do people have to 

                                   die?

3. Fear : Then comes fear.. Fear of living a life ahead without the person.. Fear of

                believing in yourself again..Fear of moving on..

4. Guilt : The guilt you feel when you think of how much you hurt the person time to time..

                 How much less you bothered to ask how life is going.. how much busy you have  

                been to care much less than you should have.. The guilt engulfs you..     

5. Acceptance : Gradually, eventually, slowly you start accepting the fact.. As days pass 

                             by everything becomes a distant memory.. Memories we would cherish 

                             our entire lives.. Life does not come to a halt.. It goes on.. Pretty much as  

                            the person we lost would have wanted.. We learn to accept it and we

                             move on.. The sooner the better..

I lived these stages.. I dealt with it myself.. 
I witnessed death before.. But never like the one i did a year ago..
As i stood there and saw you taking the last few breaths, i knew you were a fighter..
And you fought till the end..
And now when I think about you, i dont see the helpless dependent woman you became towards the end, i see the undefeated fighter who raised four kids all by herself and fought all battles alone..

I am sorry for not being there whenever you needed me, sorry for turning my back at times, sorry for yelling at you, sorry for not seeing you daily..
I dont know whats worst, the fact that i wont see you again or the fact that i did not care much when i could..
But till now when i look up to the sky, i know you are watching me..
Well, thanks for everything you gave me.. For spoiling me with all the love..
For being there always.. Physically or spiritually..

This one's for you Granny,
Know i love you.. And i miss you..

EPILOGUE

----* " Look around the house honey,
 its just the same as we planned... "

She turned around..
Saw the white walls, the white linen curtains, 
The soft bed, the white bed sheet on it..
The wall adjacent to the wall bearing the same picture 
of their wedding they both selected once,to be hung up on the wall..
It was all perfect..
Just one small thing was not..
These were her dreams undoubtedly,
But not his..
Not this man's who was standing next to her..
The man in the picture taken on their wedding day was not him..
It was Igor..

Igor's voice echoed in her head..
"I don't know if i will ever be able to trust you again..
You were my pride, my honour..
You took it all away once, you broke it all down..
I will not let you do it again.." *-----

20.04.2012

She sat up on the bed..
Alone..
Drenched in sweat.. Panting..
She looked around with the hope of seeing Igor awake in his study..
He was not there..
She stretched her arms out for Igor to climb in..
He did not..
Emptiness engrossed her..
Igor was gone..
And so were her piled up dreams.

She could never accept herself with Albert..
He was just a shadow of Igor..
She created him.. Bit by bit.. Cell by cell..
Albert was created to fill the void place in her heart and life which Igor created..
His hunger for success and his love for work created..
Albert filled it..
But never replaced him..
She was always too sure about whom she wanted to be with..
But she did not know how to end it..
Fearing she would destroy a world either way,
She delayed taking the decision..
Not knowing when she lost the man of her life..
Beside whom she stood, draped in that white dress,
Amid the mauve flowers, holding a bunch of white lilies,
those lines she said,
"I take you in husband 
to be with you always 
in wealth and in poverty 
in the disease and in health 
in happiness and in grief 
from this day until death separates us."

And said : " I DO"
She feared destroying one world by choosing,but now she had destroyed three..
Her's , Igor's and Albert's..
Albert always knew how to move on..
She did not..
Neither did Igor..
They were all stuck in the same game but in different levels..


She always knew the house she lived in,
All white in colour,
The yard in which their children would play,
The balcony where they made love in rain,
Belonged to Igor and she could never share their world with Albert..
It was all a dream,
Born of reality..
But when reality is better than dreams even though it causes pain at times
We can always create more of them..
Without the help of anyone substituting or replacing the reality..

10.05.2013

Igor came back to her..
'cause  he was too weak to let it go..
But could never trust her with his heart..
She knew it.. But pretended that she did'nt..
She regretted all that happened  every moment she looked in Igor's eyes,
Every moment she knew he suffered,
Every moment she remembered what she did,
But she believed,
Regrets should be there in life,
But only when you have good memories to cherish..
And she had countless..
Ever since she met Igor,  she had it all afresh in her mind to cherish all her life..
Their sorrows, their happiness, their fights, adventures, misadventures, life and love ..

They lived their life, the way they planned..
Albert was long gone..
Buried in the sands of time..
But he left a hole..
A Trust Shaped Hole in their Universe.....



  

Meanwhile In Neverland

I heard last day in Neverland,
You were riding the waves of eternity alone..
I heard last day in Neverland,
You reached far above and far away until you reached the Horizon...
I heard last day in Neverland,
You walked by the river shore,
You walked past the sands of time to fly more and more...

I never visited those shores,
I never got to fly more and more,
I never placed my eyes,
Beyond my mother's lore...
Next day you visit Neverland,
Take me beyond, take me along,
This is not the World where i belong....

Why just run,run all the way,
Speak with yourself,
alone everyday?
Live for yourself and live for none other?
And care for yourself and not another?
If Love is not there,
And the Void space, I fear,
Where can i find peace?
Can you tell me where?
I heard that you in Neverland,
Still can dream,
Still write stories,
And still can sing..
Death still makes you wonder,
Distance still makes your heart grow fonder...
Your Love blossoms like a rose,
That Love and Living are still so close..

Thus I come with this faithless soul to you,
Touch my robe, and make me new..
In my eyes, just emptiness lurks,
Give them dreams and return those sparks..
I want to dream, dream more and more,
Fly to Neverland,
And walk on those endless shores..
I seek help, 'cause I want to dream,

Row my boat back in time's flowing stream..